Dear Helen

Omfg helen so much shit has happened to me. A month ago today I was skipping with some of Aidans friends while he was at school, and my mom texted me and made me go back to school and when I got home she took my phone away and the next morning she asked why I was wearing a jacket and she forced me to show her my arms because I decided to cut like a fucking 12 year old idiot and so she took me to the mental hospital and I stayed away for about 3 weeks and while I was gone aidan kept asking my mom and sam about me and freaking out also while I was in the hospital I met this guy and we ended up kissing in the bathroom and we got in trouble and he had to be moved to another unit and when he left I tried to kill myself in the bathroom because I felt so guilty about cheating and then wheni came home my mom let me talk to aidan and he said he really wanted to talk to me but he for some reason wouldn’t call and about two nights ago I was at my dads and I stole a phone and was texting him asking him why he was doing this to me and why he wouldn’t talk to me and he said he was under too much stress and I said do you not like me anymore and he said “I LOVE YOU???” and he said he was too drunk to call so I thought that meant he was still mine but then my parents caught me texting him and they finally told me that he had actually texted my mom a few hours ago and sent a really long message about how much he loved me so much but that he had so much stuff to work out and that two people in a relationship need to be healthy so they could help eachother and that neither of us is healthy enough for this and that he was waitingto do this for so long because he didn’t want to be alone but that he needs to be alone and blah blah blah and yeah that’s what happened two nights ago and its not fair because I was healthy now and I loved him and he still loves me and this wont fix us it will make us worse he has been with me for six months and I need him and now hes gone and fuck I don’t know what to do with myself. I have no friends here now. because of this, all my friends will be gone, because theyre his friends, not mine. and I’m homeschooled now. andits so miserable because I have no one helen.

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The Bridge



alternative-london-street-art-graffiti-tour-shoreditch-rivington-street_15So much has happens since the last time I updated. I have learned so much and have finally started to accept myself as an outcast. As a kid under the bridge.

The bridge has played a big part in my life recently. Its where I fell in love. Its where everything fell apart. Its the place to escape for the terrors of school, but I made it a place to escape the terrors of life.
I’m always in trouble. I figured out that parents don’t like it when you skip school for a solid week with your drug buddies to get stoned. I figured out that when you get caught, you should play nice, and not fight back. But that’s not what I did.
They were going to send me away. I was going to be shipped off to some military school called Thunderbird. The meer idea of having to give up the life I had only just recently begun was enough to bring tears to my eyes and vomit to my throat. I couldn’t stand the idea of being forced to leave all over again.
So I made sure that when I left, it would be on my terms. So I packed the worlds heaviest backpack and threw it out of the second story window, told my parents I was going to sleep, slipped out the backdoor with no intentions of coming back. And where did I run to?
The bridge.
Its such a cliche, when you imagine a stoner hang out you imagine graffiti, cigarette butts, and just weird shit in general. That’s exactly what this was. But I didn’t have anywhere else to go and the bridge was a place that makes me happy. And all I wanted was to be happy.
Long story short, they found me. I didnt have to go to thunderbird. I should have been happy, I mean I got what I wanted, but I couldn’t help but feel sick when I saw the tears in my mothers eyes when she pleaded with me that I never run away again. I had gotten what I wanted, but the price was a tear stained memory in the minds of everyone I knew.
I found out what freedom was that day. Freedom is lonely. There is no one to hug you good morning or kiss you goodnight or be proud of you when you do something good.
I’m glad they found me.i think the whole time, even before I ran away, I wanted to be found. I wanted to know that someone cared enough to look for me. It was the confirmation I needed to start living happily again

It’s falling apart again

“Before I got here, I thought for a long time that the way out of the labyrinth was to pretend that it did not exist, to build a small, self-sufficient world in the back corner of the endless maze and to pretend that I was not lost, but home.”  -John Green, Looking For Alaska

When I moved to Oklahoma, it was supposed to be my second chance. Back in Garland, I was the queen of bad choices. Bad friends, bad boyfriends, bad drugs, bad grades, bad year. But then I got the amazing opportunity to change all of that, to change who I was, and how people perceived me. I got the chance to find my great perhaps.

But I destroyed it.

I fucked it up. I came here, and I fell into the wrong crowd. I started talking to people who made me worse. I started smoking. I started skipping. I started stealing. I got myself arrested, dumped, and put into a mental hospital all in one week. And honestly, I just don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t get another second chance. The mistakes I’ve made, the things I’ve done since I’ve got here, they are going to stay with me forever. How can I find my great perhaps if I’m too busy trying to keep myself alive?

I am not saying that it was a mistake to move here. Despite how much pain and trouble I’ve caused for myself, I have never felt so alive. This pain that I have, I mean it hurts, yeah, but at least I’m feeling something. Back home, I was always numb. I didn’t care about anything and hardly anyone. Now I have people I truly love and could not live without.

I really don’t know what the point of me typing all of this was. I think I am just trying to remind myself it’s okai, and to remind myself why I came here, and why I can’t go back, no matter how much I fuck up. As much as I am hurting, at least I know I am alive.

I am Here

I am here and I have never felt more alive. Do you have any idea what it is like to come from a place that is so broken, and come to an entirely new place that makes me understand who I am again

I don’t have anything metaphorical to say

I don’t have any fancy words

I don’t have some long explanation as to why I feel the way I do

But I know I love you

And I am so glad we are both so happy and our lives are so much better apart. And that is what’s important, right?

I never thought I would meet him, or her, or go through the things I am going trough now. Honestly I don’t even know what I am saying.

What the fuck.

All I know is that I am falling in love, and I am so happy, and as much as I miss you, I would never take it back.

Moving

In exactly a week, I am leaving behind everything I’ve ever known and stepping into the spot light as the new kid. It’s something I’ve never dreamed of, but it’s a chance at something better, at something more, and I can’t throw that away.

Second chances are a rarity. Sometimes our mistakes cannot be fixed, and we have to live we this consequences of that mistake for the rest of our lives.

I am lucky enough to have this chance. I have always wanted to start new, to forget about all of my mistakes and have everyone else forget about them, too. But I tried to accomplish this goal in all the wrong ways. Dying my hair won’t change who I am, joining new things and trying different drugs will not change the way people perceive me. They see me the way they see me because they know my past, they know the mistakes I’ve made, and they have come up with their own idea of who I am based on my history. I have no control over the things people know about me, or what they think of me. Here, I am an open book.

But there, I am an unwritten story. I am a blank page, and no one but me is able to write it this time. I finally get the chance to choose who I want to be, without people’s opinions about me being swayed by things I’ve done and said. There will be no one to rub my mistakes in my face, because I won’t have made any yet. And that alone, the ability to be in control of my reputation, is more than I could have ever asked for.

God damn it come back to me

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and god i miss you so much that punctuation doesnt matter and i dont care about my spelling and i really just want you to come home and when i walk into my room the smell of you lingers and your words are written on my wall in sharpie and your mistakes are written on my arms in blood and i am just forgetting what your hand feels like in mine and that your eyes were so so blue and i cant even fathom the way i feel because you took all of my emotion and it will just be buried under the ground with you i needed you please you cannot leave me please i needed you and now your lack of breath has taken mine away and i cant see the sky anymore because im trapped in my                                                            memories of you come home.